Abundance

I went to our Stake Women's Conference today and when I got home the house was clean and I said I was so happy and it was a dream come true to come home to a clean house. Ben laughed and said "you dreamed about that? That is funny." He is a good boy.

So it was really good for me to attend the Conference. I have not been doing my part as a wife, mother, chef, teacher, house cleaner, volunteer, friend, daughter and what ever else I am supposed to be doing. I do the bare minimum of these jobs and I have been selfish about it. I am fighting giving my whole self to these things and it is not working for me. I am trying to hide parts of myself and to keep those parts only for myself. I am unbalanced and I need to find a way to become balanced and I don't know where to start. I don't want to lose myself and I don't really know what I am trying not to lose. The guest speaker was Emily Freeman who has written some beautiful books, her latest is called The Promise of Enough; Seven Principles of True Abundance. Her talk was so beautiful and inspiring and I cried through most of it. I think I might need to read that book because it sounds like it would improve me and my flawed thinking. I have a hard time giving anything. I just want to run and hide and just get through the the day. I do not desire to be proactive and instead I just want to left alone. It is not working and I have been trying it "my way" for two years now so I really know that what I am doing is not working. My biggest problem is how well I can rationalize anything. So I tell myself when I am done being pregnant I can do more, I will be better. My other problem and this a big one that I have had for most of my life is I really don't know what I want. So I take the easy way out by being ornery and complaining and not doing anything about bettering myself. I am doing just enough but that is not helping me grow into a better person. I have been thinking a lot about the scripture in Matthew 10:39, "he that findeth his life shall lose it" (I feel okay there because I don't feel like I have found my life yet so I haven't lost it.) "and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it." This is where there is a conflict inside me. It is hard for me to imagine giving up everything of myself to another to find myself. I guess that I am not taking this correctly because I think of it as service. I need to serve my family in all perfect ways 100% of the time and lose myself in the service of my fellow beings. I just don't think I can do it well so I don't want to do it at all. I don't feel like am making any sense and this is all just a bunch of jumbled up words, but I am trying to figure out a good way to go about my life and to be balanced. I need to find balance, I need to serve more, I need to be there for others, I need to not hide away. I am working on this. I think I need an entire lifetime to work on this. I am so grateful that I have things in my life that help me in my journey of my life. I have the most amazing examples of motherhood and women hood in the women around me, in my ward and on these blogs that I read. I am impressed on a daily basis of these examples of Motherhood and how everyone cares so much for their children and the happiness they find in life and family. My Mother is the most unselfish person that I have ever met and my Mother-in-law raised five spectacular children. I hope I can raise my children half as well as they have. Thank you all for teaching and inspiring me and helping learn to become a better person each day.